on self-loathing:

Posted by admin on May 12th, 2010 filed in Uncategorized

it seems to me that so much of the human race’s trouble comes down to this: self-loathing.

pain.

the belief that we are unacceptable, unlovable, unteachable, forever imperfect and disconnected.

but we’re not.

for a while now i’ve been trying to zero in on my personal philosophy, the tao of charlotte, so to speak. i’ve long said i don’t believe in god: i believe in good. we can all agree on that, can’t we?

and that’s still true. but it’s more than that. i suppose my belief that everything is within us if we’d only look and believe it’s there makes me a secular humanist by default. throw in a little of this and a little of that, and i guess like so many people have faith in a certain organized religion, i merely have faith in myself: that i am good. that i try to do the right thing. that i am whole, right now. above all, though, that self-evolution is what keeps one whole.

i guess that means that i also believe that so many people feel unwhole because they’ve given up their power to an idea or a religion or a belief or a person or their own little, negative voice inside their head screaming at them that they are bad and wrong and stupid that they have disconnected from themselves. that we are figuratively chasing our own soul’s tail, trying to grab back on and be whole once again.

but we don’t think we deserve it. so we drink. or eat. or fight. or hate. or war. or fuck. or die.

all so we don’t feel.

when feeling is what makes us so perfect. isn’t that funny?

i often talk about the universal sound of pain. it’s the thing i don’t get about people who abuse animals. whether it’s a baby or a dog or a cow or a tiger, there’s the sound of pain that tells us in the core of our souls that another creature is feeling pain. it’s an unbearable sound, if you have a conscience, so i guess serial killers are exempted from this beautiful warning not to cause pain, not to let pain continue.

so i get it. we don’t want pain. we’d rather hate ourselves than feel pain. but hating yourself in and of itself is a state of pain. so i ask you this: would you rather feel and have the momentary pain of self-growth, of evolution? or hate yourself and be in pain forever?

it is my opinion that if you are the wounded creature, it is, therefore, your duty not to cause this creature (you) more pain and not to let the pain continue.

so to you, wherever you are, whomever you are, whatever you have done, there is a seed of light in you. following it will make you feel whole again, worthy again, right again, good again. it isn’t “out there.” it isn’t a mystery. it stares at you every day in the mirror screaming, “when are you going to believe it?” but you think it can’t possibly be that easy. it must be hard, difficult, you must suffer, that’s the least you deserve.

no, the least you deserve is to see your own light. see it, and it will grow, and you will pass it on. and then maybe once we stop hating ourselves, we can stop hating each other.

the light isn’t just in you. You ARE the light. And when you have those sudden moments of painful, breathtaking beauty at being alive: when the sun hits a loved one’s face just right, and you think you can die right then and be happy. when a stranger does you a kindness wanting nothing in return. when you offer a creature mercy without attention. when you walk with the humble confidence that you deserve to bear the light–for it is both a duty and an honor–you will smile that peaceful smile that says, “here, i have more than enough light. want some?” and with each gift of light, the light grows. in you. in everyone.

and all you have to do is love and accept yourself.

so please treat yourself as you would a creature sounding the universal cry of pain: hear it, then heal it. lead with kindness–for yourself–and that will lead you to see your own light.

i know i’ve gone all kumbaya on you, but i think for some reason we never think to write these things down and share them. we can be soul-searching hermits and hoarders of life lessons.

so, if you can, take a tiny step toward the light. don’t be invisible. don’t hoard attention. you are worthy of love, acceptance, and peace. you have been all over looking for it, yet every day sad eyes look up at you from the mirror “there you are. why so sad? you bear the light. be kind to the light. the light is you.” so try to take ego out of the equation (that’s a journey–not a destination, btw) and decide to choose the light (the true self) over the pain (the lie the false self tells).

the light is enough.

okay, lecture over.

pass it on…